gordonsociology's Xanga

New Coffee Shops

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:15:47 GMT

Yes. Ever since I determined to quit my old coffeeshop, I have been searching for a new "home." There are even photographic evidence:

<-- my rest stop @ berkeley

<-- random starbucks across whatever street

a weird, independent asian/korean cafe in SD with yogurt. drinking the tea there will make your outfit different (as shown in the photos)

there're plenty more browsing. none of these is my home, but i realize if you go to a place often enough and long enough, it will eventually serve as a second home, even if you are hated by everybody there.

From a book I just bought...

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:08:03 GMT

"March 23. Incapable of writing a line.

April 27. [. . .] Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone--never."

~Excerpts from The Diaries of Franz Kafka, Vol. II, 1914-1923.

Nullified in Psychotherapy

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:52:43 GMT

Went to the beach tonight for a couple of hours. One thing amazing about the crashes of waves is how they speak to your thoughts. When you’re in a happy mood, they cheer you lightly and simultaneously remind you to treasure the irreplaceable, eternal moments. When you are sad, they consol you and place things in a grand perspective of the universe, highlighting the triviality of issues and emotions of your tiny self. Then, when you lay on the bench on your back and look at the sky, you come to aware that you’ve never been so totally disarmed. And time passes by bit after bit, wave after wave, minute by minute. Your screams are heard, words are listened to. Music begins to play in your mind: sad songs, happy songs, the classical. You know the sensation of your own creation, but you cannot help but appreciate the unreal, pitiful love given to you nevertheless.

Perhaps the harshest part is when you get back to your car and realize the memory of the past still weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living, and time is a moving train on which you stand your feet upon. The problem remains is how hard it is to move on from now on. But it’s okay. “Time makes pain go away”; the ocean told you so.

in that drunken boat with insane companies...

Tue, 13 May 2008 14:26:58 GMT

I had an insanely fun night last night, and that feeling didn't really hit me until I was trying to fall asleep only to have the memory reliving moment by moment. That tad bit of alcohol after a night of music, that one especially crazy friend, those wild and likable acquaintances, the 2am mexican food that was criminally greasy, and the one urgent circumstance that enhanced the tension and pace of everything that was going on. It feels good when you realize you are r eally, really living. And you wish the world to know that living can be exciting and joyful, and that void is not permanent but relative. If you know what I mean...

I nurture my demons. And I respect my angels.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:17:13 GMT

It is important to maintain a happy-peaceful mood; my little friend told me. (Ah- Lun: it’s you.)

This is a dirty entry on introspection…so don’t tell others. Lately, I feel like I am torn all the time. I have too many somewhat conflicting propensities; here are just five examples. I…

(A) …find many things to be funny.
(B) …guard my privacy and personal space using electric walls and landmines.
(C) …am rather impressionable. If you give me some kind of reason, I would believe in just about anything a little bit.
(D) …become obsessed with almost everything I like.
(E) …tend to hate people from the ultimate bottom of the heart; I can’t even control it.
(F) …can be merciless in hurting other people’s feelings and being unregretful afterwards. (A degree of sadness sometimes arises, but it does not mean I regret my acts).
(G) …see myself as having a degree of obligations (not just strong liking) toward my friends. That’s why I don’t use the word ‘friend’ easily; to me friendship is somewhat like marriage—it does entail obligations. So if I have too many friends, it’s like having too many obligations.

I am responsible for actively cultivating each of these propensities at one point in my life, under independent contexts. But it can be bad news when, for example, I hate a person and then find something funny about him/her. Or, I like some acquaintances wholeheartedly but also really, really, really hate some of the things they do. I also find myself occasionally put up electric walls to friends/acquaintances to guard against them.

Let’s not bore you further, dear readers. YOUR life is more important to you. I guess the points I want to make are that: (1) If you are going through similar things, you’re not the only one; (2) If you are one of the people who have been offended before and have felt puzzled afterwards—now you can assess whether there’s a fair chance I would perform some offensive acts again. As I said, if I feel regretful I would have offered an strong apology right away; if you have not gotten an apology you probably will not get one soon, but at least now you know better about the source of the reason and could perhaps move on onto your own way to achieve happiness and peace shall you take steps to do so . Shit! Was I just being mean again? My meanness have surprised myself a lot lately. Maybe one day I’ll change. (And achieve inner peace and happiness while at it?)

zzz zzzz

Being and Knowledge

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:03:16 GMT

I’ve been profoundly moved by 3 things over the past 2 days. One is my secondary (middle) school friend from Hong Kong visiting SD—and me by de facto—with his gf and gf’s friend. I find myself doing lots of code-switching; my Hong Kong being has been awakened.

Second, is my friend pointing me to issues regarding Tibet-China relations, which forces me to deepen my knowledge in that area (Thanks Ivan!)—and, by de facto, of Hollywood, U.S., Tibetan, and religious propaganda machines. History is constructed, partially destructed, reconstructed, redestructed, etc., etc., by them.

Third, is my grading of students’ final papers in my social psyc class. I have been haunted by the thought that my students did not learn anything from my class this quarter, since, for one reason, they rarely respond while I lectured. (Some actually fall asleep; there is usually one or two in the crowd of 35). Also, as I serve as a TA for many classes in the past three years, I have gotten increasingly disillusioned with students’ egotism, intellectual-prostitutionism (for grades), and minimalism (in spending effort). But over the papers I have been grading so far really shows some imagination and original thoughts—contrary to the cookie-cutter papers that I have encountered. Even though some of them are heavily opinionated, there are at least somewhat developed. One paper is a semi-personal account military bootcamp and the various social psychological techniques that are used to mold soldiers. One explores social psychological assumptions about “happiness” in different happiness research. One explores the incorrigible belief system behind some eating disorder patients. One shares her story when she was living under Mao ZeDong’s Cultural Revolution. My favorite one so far is actually about a company—pyramid scheme as its crypto model—recruits its followers by making success into a cultic cause. In addition to frequent seminars where members talk nothing but success and chant and clap and express their determination in every meeting, the org orchestrates massive gathering in the form of “conventions,” setting up the place like a Grammy’s ceremony (e.g., red carpet), with musical display (e.g., “we’ll, we’ll, rock you”), story-telling and sharing, inspirational speeches, to celebrate a few examples of successful individuals. (So, my friend, beware of those orgs!!) Although grading is tiring, I’m actually somewhat looking forward to reading the rest of the papers, because I think my students have learned something out of the class overall—and each of them seems to be taking away a different thing, depending on his/her background and personhood, and he/she makes new knowledge out of the course materials. Of all my failures in lecturing this quarter, there is actually some success.

I’m getting tired now. I am going to watch some stupid DVDs until I fall sleep, just like my usual night…

About hypocrisy. And ass kissing.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:34:13 GMT

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Here is a familiar contradiction: Everyone in that same circle harbors some kind of angst toward ass-kissing, as well as the human hypocrisy that flows from it. Yet everyone practices it, with the implicit belief that it is relevant to survival—you know, to pretend you really like something/someone a lot more than you actually do.

A positive way to look at the phenomenon is that hypocrisy, like white lies, can have beneficial effects on the local ecology of ‘the profession.’ Because of its presence, basic monetary and atmospheric conditions that are necessary for business survival are reciprocally generated, as well as a minimum level of confidence and esteem needed to keep a thing going (even if they rest on somewhat shaky grounds).

I’m increasing convinced that while some things do not deserve to exist in the first place, everything of GREATNESS now probably has less-than-glorious quality and reception once upon a time. Its growth and survival has probably rested on hypocritical support once upon a time.

Following this thought, I conclude that hypocrisy, dishonesty, and ass kissing are embraceable EXCEPT when:

(A) They begin to morph into a displacing force of goodness;

(B) People begin to treat them too uncritically, misperceiving illusions as real.

What business I am talking about, you may ask?

I’ve been referring to the local music business.

Next time I hear these words—‘I think you did great. And I mean it’—I would feel much better...

sociology

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 08:14:06 GMT

three things happened today:
(1) started off my first 'real' college course ever today, and sucked.
(2) obtained permission from the publisher to post my article online. viewable at www.gordonchang.net
(3) a new identity crisis fermenting due to event #1.

i went to lestat's open-mic afterwards and hoped to forget my pain by seeing how other people perform well and not-so-well in public; i shouldn't have missed my appointment with my shrink for that.

social skills and my future

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 08:39:31 GMT

November 3rd, 2007

Kinda bummed out about my continuously waning ability to interact with people. You know, the ability to initiate with others without feeling inadequate, to speak without being misunderstood, to keep conversations going without awkward silence, to cook up an energy during conversations that would get a group ‘high.’ Whatever this transformation is exactly, it is an unintended consequence from my college self-isolation experiment, my disengagement with Hollywood movies/videos, my obsessive indulgence in Japanese and Taiwanese dramas, and my overexposure to academic prose that decapitates normal language and commonsensical thinking.

Needless to say, this transformation has changed how I relate and interact with various people I encounter in life. It came to my realization last week that, when it comes to being a friend, I’m very much like a hospital instead of entertainment park, more like a painkiller than ecstasy, more like earth than fire. I hate to be a boring person to other people, but the thing is after you spend so much time being alone AND have a good time while at it you don’t really get bored with what you do yourself. I occasionally try to be in a social/PR mode, and I think I COULD still do it, but deep down inside I find such acts to be incredibly draining. I think I finally understand why some people would lock themselves up in a space and never desire to get out. But even if I end up being a hermit or a claustrophobic guy one day, I’d still welcome my friends to come over an have a chat or something—I’d be happy to be a Tylenol-Codeine, a Red Cross station, a tiled floor, or whatever I may be able to offer.

But you know what they say about Scorpio? I may, as well, suddenly change my nature and set people afire!! Beware.

confusion, friendship, maturity

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:51:52 GMT

I've watched a Taiwanese TV drama lately, which stars the ex-teenage star, 林志穎. I suddenly recall two of his madarin songs that used to captivate my full interests when I was a teenager myself; they were more or less about growing up. Looking back at these two songs (haha, takes me a LONG time to find them), discounting the quality of singing, I think I can understand why I find resonance in them...

----------------------------------------------------------------
心雲
作詞：夏哥　作曲：蔡宗政　編曲：涂惠元

天上的雲是我的心　　風吹過漂流不定
誰能用真情　　誰能用真心　讓我的心不再像浮萍
清晨露珠是我的心　　轉眼消失無蹤影
誰能用真情　　誰能用真心　留住我的心　　網住我的真情

我要告訴天上的風　　輕輕吹散我心口的雲
我要抓住露珠的心　　陪我從黑夜到天明

一片雲代表著一片情　　一顆露珠代表一顆心
風吹雲散你我倆分明　　露珠化成我的心情

The first stanza of this song talks about two kinds of desires: (1) The desire for intellectual clarity in light of instability, fragility, confusion, and (2) The desire for constancy in light of the inevitable, gradual loss of beauty, innocence, and emotional honesty.

These two things, I think, are almost somewhat contradictory. Part of growing up—another solution to growing up is perhaps “real heart” of any kind.

Then the song goes on to express the psychology in the process of opposite gradual change: gradual attainment of visionary clarity and to cling on to whatever beautiful for just one more second or night until it gradually has to go.

The last stanza expresses that each piece of “cloud” is a piece a true emotion, and every moment of genuine confusion is also an irreplaceable part of self. The song ends with a scene where everything gets cleared up and there is no more cloud in the heart; the very last line ambiguously suggests that innocence, beauty, and honesty comes to an end at the precisely that moment.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
生日禮物
曲︰李子恆
詞︰李子恆

心中有一朿花　是我青春的那顆芽
澆過淚水綻放著微笑慢慢長大
陪妳渡過陽光和小雨
陪妳走過悲傷和甜蜜
現在我將它　永遠種在妳心房

＊永遠有一句話　寫在歲月的旅途上
用那真情雕塑的光源讓妳珍藏
不管未來需要多少年
不管期盼還有多遙遠
現在我將它　深深刻在妳心田

＃每個人都擁有祝福
每個生日都有禮物
如果沒有昨日的知己
明天的夢依然孤獨
無論妳有多少個願望
無論妳有多少個夢想
我的禮物是我的心陪著妳成長

重唱　＊,＃,＃
[Note: Some sites uses 你 instead of 妳 throughout the song]

The song (entitled “Birthday Present”) makes an analogy of us growing up to little plants/flowers growing up; people/friends in early years are often sun-bathed by smiles and "watered" by tears and hence growing slowly over many years. Here's the thing: the "water" and "sunlight" among friends come each other. So, as friends grow up (in childhood years) they do not only do it together but are vital sources of each other's development.

Then comes the moment of departure to life journey, but the song reminds us that the process is only another process of growing up. It expresses the commitment of a childhood friend to plant the seed into a friends' heart and to grow with him/her wherever he/she may go, whatever path he/she is going to take, whatever wish or dreams he/she is trying to pursue.

Birthday represents an occasion where one's existence (birth) is celebrated, and hence when you receive a birthday present your existence is appreciated once again. Receiving birthday present year after year is a marker of growing up over time, and blessings of others are given time and again as you go through life. If you do not have the people of yesterday who would give you such blessings, your dream tomorrow is going to be a lonely one. "My heart is my present to grow with you" expresses the sentiment that even though you are not together with a friend physically, you are by his/her side far away to grow with him/her together (that is, continue to be each other’s sources of development).

So, in sum, this song is about the importance of friendship while growing up. It's about commitment to friends--the commitment to give them your "heart," so to speak. I think this song strikes me very much now because I'm a bit reminiscent about the reciprocal willingness to trust your friends without question or condition. Well, what I mean is I think this way of thinking—this culture—exists in a much greater extent in Hong Kong than in the United States, a place where I have been in for about 12 years.

Let’s the nostalgia linger... Until next time, take care.