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| "March 23. Incapable of writing a line.
April 27. [. . .] Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone--never."
~Excerpts from The Diaries of Franz Kafka, Vol. II, 1914-1923.
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| Went to the beach tonight for a couple of hours. One thing amazing about the crashes of waves is how they speak to your thoughts. When you’re in a happy mood, they cheer you lightly and simultaneously remind you to treasure the irreplaceable, eternal moments. When you are sad, they consol you and place things in a grand perspective of the universe, highlighting the triviality of issues and emotions of your tiny self. Then, when you lay on the bench on your back and look at the sky, you come to aware that you’ve never been so totally disarmed. And time passes by bit after bit, wave after wave, minute by minute. Your screams are heard, words are listened to. Music begins to play in your mind: sad songs, happy songs, the classical. You know the sensation of your own creation, but you cannot help but appreciate the unreal, pitiful love given to you nevertheless.
Perhaps the harshest part is when you get back to your car and realize the memory of the past still weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living, and time is a moving train on which you stand your feet upon. The problem remains is how hard it is to move on from now on. But it’s okay. “Time makes pain go away”; the ocean told you so.
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| I had an insanely fun night last night, and that feeling didn't really hit me until I was trying to fall asleep only to have the memory reliving moment by moment. That tad bit of alcohol after a night of music, that one especially crazy friend, those wild and likable acquaintances, the 2am mexican food that was criminally greasy, and the one urgent circumstance that enhanced the tension and pace of everything that was going on. It feels good when you realize you are r eally, really living. And you wish the world to know that living can be exciting and joyful, and that void is not permanent but relative. If you know what I mean... 
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| It is important to maintain a happy-peaceful mood; my little friend told me. (Ah- Lun: it’s you.)
This is a dirty entry on introspection…so don’t tell others. Lately, I feel like I am torn all the time. I have too many somewhat conflicting propensities; here are just five examples. I…
(A) …find many things to be funny.
(B) …guard my privacy and personal space using electric walls and landmines.
(C) …am rather impressionable. If you give me some kind of reason, I would believe in just about anything a little bit.
(D) …become obsessed with almost everything I like.
(E) …tend to hate people from the ultimate bottom of the heart; I can’t even control it.
(F) …can be merciless in hurting other people’s feelings and being unregretful afterwards. (A degree of sadness sometimes arises, but it does not mean I regret my acts).
(G) …see myself as having a degree of obligations (not just strong liking) toward my friends. That’s why I don’t use the word ‘friend’ easily; to me friendship is somewhat like marriage—it does entail obligations. So if I have too many friends, it’s like having too many obligations.
I am responsible for actively cultivating each of these propensities at one point in my life, under independent contexts. But it can be bad news when, for example, I hate a person and then find something funny about him/her. Or, I like some acquaintances wholeheartedly but also really, really, really hate some of the things they do. I also find myself occasionally put up electric walls to friends/acquaintances to guard against them.
Let’s not bore you further, dear readers. YOUR life is more important to you. I guess the points I want to make are that: (1) If you are going through similar things, you’re not the only one; (2) If you are one of the people who have been offended before and have felt puzzled afterwards—now you can assess whether there’s a fair chance I would perform some offensive acts again. As I said, if I feel regretful I would have offered an strong apology right away; if you have not gotten an apology you probably will not get one soon, but at least now you know better about the source of the reason and could perhaps move on onto your own way to achieve happiness and peace shall you take steps to do so . Shit! Was I just being mean again? My meanness have surprised myself a lot lately. Maybe one day I’ll change. (And achieve inner peace and happiness while at it?)
zzz zzzz 
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<-- my rest stop @ berkeley 
<-- random starbucks across whatever street
